In my previous post I talked about machismo and how its effects have affected not only the image, the role of men as fathers and husbands but also the effect on the family. As I mentioned in that post, my wish is that as Hispanics we can see the origin of the dysfunction and its effects, but at the same time, my desire in this second post is to show the alternative we have. In my role as a pastor, I have worked with Hispanic men for many years. Many of them are Christians, and although I can see that they have left some of machismo’s misconceptions, there is much more that they do not know how to do, have not been taught or simply refuse to do to be better as men, husbands and fathers.
As I mentioned before, I grew up without a father and although I had male roles during my youth, none of them were perfect. With all this, it was not enough to replace the fact of not having a father. In raising my four children, I’ve had to be intentional about doing more than just being home and being the head of the household. I have been intentional in teaching my children how to live life as Christians. Even with all this, I have not been an ideal father. In hindsight, I think I could have done even more. I’ve tried a lot to learn from my mistakes and be a better father to my last daughter who is fourteen years old. My desire is not to be perfect, but to learn what can help her in her future. I know I have no control over her future, but I want to provide her with what she needs to live a life as God designed her. Similarly, although my other three children are now adults and live independent lives, now my role is to pray for them daily and if they allow me, to help them in the areas where they need me. This role is quite sporadic as they live their lives. One thing that has helped me is writing my thoughts to some of them that I think may help them one day.
But back to addressing the subject of this publication, the question we must answer is what is our role as men, husbands and fathers? The answer for me is not in sociology, psychology, books on parenting, or in self-improvement manuals. Since God was the one who formed man and woman, He also assigned our roles in the family as husbands and fathers. So, this post deals with what I’ve learned from the Holy Scriptures about how to be a man, a husband, and a father. I understand that not everyone is a husband or father, but equally, what the Bible teaches applies to all men in whatever state they find themselves in.
What is a man as God designed him?
1. A man is a gentleman.
Although the culture in which we live has rejected the image of man who behaves “manly” because of his negative history that we have already seen, the Bible commands men in 1 Corinthians 16:13 to “behave manly.” “Manly” is the word that was used to translate strong or courageous. To be a man is to be strong (physically) and brave.
The idea of being a male or being strong and brave can be seen from the origin of the word “knight”. The knight in the Middle Age was a group of riders skillfully trained to defend the king and as an extension the rights of the people. They strived to give honor to God and to the Church. They were not only strong, skilled, and courageous in defending, but they possessed a code of moral honor that included being brave, humble, and loyal. Their moral code was also demonstrated in their dealings with women. These men behaved with honor before them and treated them as true gallants (one who is characterized as a gentleman), not only physically attractive but with chivalry.
Behaving brave and strong (manly) has the idea that we should not only be brave to protect everyone, but particularly women. The gentleman is noble, courteous and well-mannered. This is the treatment he gives to all women. Moreover, as Christians, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. A brother in Christ is going to treat a woman the way Christ treats her. To do otherwise is an affront to Christ Himself. The brute, rustic and abusive treatment of machismo must be rejected.
In addition to this, chivalry goes beyond the treatment of them. We must be gentlemen treating them with respect, which implies treating them with moral and sexual purity.
A real man does not seek to take sexual advantage of a woman. The man of God according to the Bible is the one who remains pure until he gives himself to a woman as a wife (1 Thess. 4:3-8). Having sex before marriage is not only a sin before God, but it also hurts the woman. Here is an article that goes in detail about how this happens. Despite my lack of a father, this was something I learned in church as a young man. I always had the conviction that the woman I would love would be the one I would marry and give myself sexually. Thank the Lord, this was the case.
Once married, a man must be faithful to his wife for life. A woman must be his lover. His sexual delight should only come from his wife and no one else (Proverbs 5:15-19).
God warns us of the harm that adultery and sexual immorality bring (Proverbs 2:16-22; 5:1-14; 1 Cor. 6:9-20).
2. A man is vulnerable who expresses his emotions and feelings.
Machismo has taught us that men must act without defects and emotionally closed. To be otherwise, according to this, is to be weak and effeminate (“mandilón, [“wears an apron” a man that wears an apron is considered weak] as the Mexicans say). This is not God’s design. We find the example of the Lord Jesus who not only demonstrated compassion toward others, including vulnerable women (prostitutes—Luke 7:36-50), love for children (Matthew 18:15-17), and even wept (John 11:35).
Perhaps the most courageous man in the Bible was King David. Not only was he brave, but he was also a man who expressed his emotions and feelings. The psalms are replete with prayers where David weeps and expresses his emotions before God. When his son Absalom passed away, David expressed his grief openly (2 Samuel 18:33). Jeremiah the prophet was called “the weeping prophet” for crying so much. As men, God designed us to be vulnerable by expressing our feelings and emotions.
3. A man shows love and affection.
Machismo has taught us that we should not show love and affection, but this is contrary to what God commands us. We must show love. Showing love involves more than giving tangible things (providing). Love must be shown in character and actions. As Christian men we are to express God’s love to others. God’s love goes beyond emotions. We have a full chapter on this type of love in 1 Corinthians 13. It is a love that shows character virtues. God’s love is one that gives and serves others sacrificially. We can see this love demonstrated in Christ’s sacrifice in giving His life for us. Part of this involves verbalizing our love by saying, “I love you”. It involves showing physical affection through hugs and kisses. It can also express itself in written forms (this is my favorite form). Love involves listening to others, without judging respecting the opinions of others.
4. A man accepts his faults and asks for forgiveness.
Machismo has taught us that we should not admit our faults and even less ask for forgiveness. But God teaches us the opposite. Part of our relationship with God is to accept our sins, confess them, and ask for forgiveness (this is what the Lord Prayer teaches us). This applies not only to our relationship with God but also with others. Verbalizing our faults and asking for forgiveness should be part of our lives as men and should be accompanied by repentance. This means that if we do something that harms others, we should not do it anymore. Asking for forgiveness is not worth much when our intention is not to stop doing what harms others.
5. A man controls his anger.
Machismo has taught us that anger must be expressed with anger, yelling and even violence. This is totally contrary to what God commands us as men. God commands us to remove this kind of anger (Ephesians 4:31). Anger often leads to sin (Prov. 29:22). Giving vent to our anger is foolishness (Prov. 29:11) and leads to worse things (“Follies” says Prov. 14:17). A man who abuses verbally and even physically, is a man who not only does not deserve respect but demonstrates his lack of manliness. This man needs help from God and others and must seek it as soon as possible before there are worse repercussions, including legal.
I thought that two publications would be enough to deal with the issue of machismo in our culture. But I think it demands a third part in which I will write about the roles of husbands in their homes.
